We are living in an increasingly fast changing world and as a result many people are finding it hard to stay abreast with everything that’s happening and others are struggling to cope. We tend to resist change as we fear the unknown. So with every change, our fears, insecurities and old wounds get triggered.
The best way to deal with these is to do the inner work. Inner work or Shadow work is a practice that involves going inwards and working on ourselves so we may heal our unresolved traumas, past wounds and deeply repressed emotions like guilt, anger, grief, shame and fear.
When we do the inner work, we consciously seeking to heal what’s no longer working in our life. This can include acceptance, meeting our needs, healing our wound inner child, releasing trapped emotions, changing old beliefs, cord cutting, soul retrieval and being fully grounded in our body.
I do agree that it is not easy to do the inner work.
In fact, it takes great courage and vulnerability to go deep within ourselves and face issues that we have been hiding or running away from for years or even decades. But I find that there is nothing more fulfilling than embodying our true Self and serving our purpose in life.
There are many benefits of doing inner work. For instance, people who used to trigger us, can’t no longer do so. Instead we understand where they are coming from and accept them. We have more love, compassion for ourselves and others. We find meaning and purpose and seek to serve others. Finally, we live a life of authenticity, truth, love, freedom, abundance and joy.
Remember the only person stopping us is ourselves. Is it time to free yourself? Do contact me if you want to continue on your inner work journey.
Emotional needs are feelings we need to feel happy, fulfilled or at peace. Without them, we may feel numb, empty, frustrated, hurt or dissatisfied. For human beings to feel safe, happy, significant and fulfilled, all the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs have to be met.
Some examples of emotional needs are feeling loved, accepted, approved, appreciated, attention, grateful, belong, validated, recognised or cared for. When these needs are met, then we can strive for the higher ones like autonomy, connection, privacy, a sense of Self, a sense of significance, achievement, fulfilment, meaning, service and purpose.
“Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need, rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.” ~Ashleigh Warner
The quality of our life is determined by the emotions we feel on a daily basis. Which emotions are you feeling mostly during the day? All our emotions have a purpose and they are not just random. In fact, they always communicating with us.
According to Maslow, if we are dealing with conditions such as depression, anxiety, stress or addiction, it is because our emotional needs are not being met. Meeting our needs is the most effective route to our overall wellbeing. So how can we meet our emotional needs?
Maslow hierarchy of needs- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual
Our Emotional needs are often unconscious, so we have to dig deeper to find out what they are. Very often, we think we need food and reach our for comfort food like chocolate, burger, pizza, donuts, ice cream when in fact, we are craving for comfort, soothing, compassion, love, to be accepted and cared for.
So next time, before you reach out for comfort food, alcohol, cigarettes, porn, drugs or other external distractions, ask yourself what is it that you need right now? How are you feeling? What do you need? And give that emotional need to yourself. Yes, you can give yourself love, compassion, comfort, being gentle with yourself, rest and practice self care.
Everyone has their own unique emotional needs but those who have not had their basic and emotional needs met as a child have a harder time to identify and meet their needs. Very often, they feel unworthy of having their needs met. They might feel afraid or even guilty or ashamed to meet their emotional and mental needs. During childhood, they might have been punished, laughed at, humiliated, ignored, yelled for asking for food, attention, love, etc. As a result, they get stuck in survival mode (basic physical needs) and never climb up the hierarchy as they don’t feel worthy or capable of meeting their emotional, mental and spiritual needs.
If you had childhood trauma like you had been abused, bullied, neglected by parents/carers, abandoned, rejected, humiliated constantly, compared to your siblings, did not receive the love and attention you craved for, then it is highly likely that your inner child is wounded and his/her emotional needs are not met. Meeting and healing your inner child is so important as it is the key to your personal development and growth.
When your inner child is wounded, you will continue to feel stuck, lacking, lost empty, unfulfilled, angry, fearful, not good enough, not worthy of love, sense that you don’t belong, overwhelmed, insecure, get triggered easily, have repeated patterns and generally struggle in life especially in your career, love life and finances. By meeting the needs of your inner child, you will start feeling at peace, fulfilled, happy, significant, abundant and loved.
To find out more about meeting the needs of your inner child, click here or contact me to arrange a free 15 minutes discovery call.
Why am I always seeking validation? Why don’t people like me? How can I stop being a people pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.They will do anything to avoid conflict. Whilst people pleasing might seem to be a good characteristic to others, it is in fact very detrimental to the individual.
It’s time for you to find your voice, set your boundaries and stop being a people pleaser. This is about being able to take control of your own life!
People Pleasing- pic from Ryan the holistic health Coach
Our trauma response is usually fight, flight or freeze but sometimes we have to fawn. Fawn means we develop a strategy to avoid conflict to stay safe. Very often, children have to fawn to survive. They become the good girl or boy….quiet and obedient. They have to put their parents needs first and that can have a very detrimental effect on their development. Children who had to people please as child grow up as a people pleaser. They have great difficulty in saying no and setting boundaries.
People pleaser tend to :
apologise excessively even when it is not their fault
over give in order to be liked
say yes when they want to say no
feel responsible for others emotions
don’t have their own opinions
have difficulty making decisions
suppress their own needs to make others happy
have poor boundaries
be a perfectionist
feel anxious and overwhelmed
Ways to stop people pleasing are:
Start saying no
not over commit
learn to say “I will get back to you”
set boundaries
be more assertive without being aggressive
know yourself and your goals
get rid of toxic people
stop over apologising
do your inner work
heal your inner child
Most likely people pleasing started as a child and it is very difficult to break the habit as an adult because this is what you know. By going to the root of the issue, it is possible to heal the childhood wounds that are keeping you stuck.
Our core needs are to be seen, heard, accepted and loved. As a child, we rely on our parents, teachers, friends and siblings to fulfil our needs. When these needs are not met, children can develop wounds like abandonment, rejection, betrayal, injustice.
Childhood trauma can rob us of confidence, security, safety, self worth, self confidence, and a sense of belonging. It forces us to tread carefully, to make ourselves invisible, to conform, to hide and to play small for fear of being rejected, abandoned, excluded or ending up being alone.
Trauma affects our subconscious mind, the nervous system and the energetic field all at once. Childhood trauma can seriously impair a healthy childhood development. It splits us off from ourselves; meaning, a part of us is still stuck at that age and carrying the pain of the trauma. At the point of overwhelm and shock, feelings got trapped in the nervous system, where they will reside unprocessed, unresolved and creates energy that becomes stagnant until healed and released.
Suppressing our emotions is a big problem because wounds are like magnets. They magnetically pull into themselves people and circumstances that will trigger the original wounding. The subconscious mind together with the soul are always working to become whole. So in order to put an end to the buried feelings and release them, they pull in circumstances that will help to recreate the traumatic feelings. As we become aware of these suppressed feelings, we can heal them so we don’t have to attract the same patterns.
Within most adults lives a terrified child who feels abandoned, rejected, unworthy, sad and lonely. These wounds were formed when they were a child and if the needs of the inner child are not addressed, they continue to live these wounds through the adult. The adult might have no idea of why they are feeling triggered, sad, or why they keep rejected potential partners, or why they can’t attract abundance in their lives.
This is why we have negative patterns that play out over and over. A pattern is buried energy seeking resolution, longing to be seen, recognised, acknowledged and healed. This is why when we get bullied at school as a child, lie often get bullied at work in adulthood. This also explains why we get into a relationship with one type of person, end it, and begin another with exactly the same type. These patterns end until we fully feel, heal and resolve them.
After nearly a decade of doing Inner child healing on my clients, I feel that it is such a beautiful gift to witness adults meeting their inner child for the first time. To witness them feel so many emotions that they had repressed for years. As their fears, guilt, shame, sadness, tears are felt and released, my clients feel safe, free, happy and empowered.
